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break_or_buried
Mar. 28th, 2005
02:44 pm - easter is for babies.
look at all of you. talking about how great easter is. what about the kid who was searching for her basket but didnt get one because "shes 18 now and you stop getting easter presents when your an adult" and got laughed at in the face. i hate easter. all i wanted was a fucking basket of candy, is that too much to ask?? maybe im being nasty because im a jealous kid, but i dont care. my life is over.
on the other hand, i got to see my new neice again. shes so cute. she puked down my pants though, it was real gross but its okay cuz shes so cute. i hope my babies are cute like that.. im not having babies for like 6 years though (hopefully).
im finally recovering from my sickness. i was sure i was going to die. now i just have a cough and stuffy nose so im a lot better. i went to school today... i have a bunch of shit to make up since i missed all last week. i should probably be doing that now but i dont really want to.
i miss everyone. i talked to ross lastnight, he was pretty shitfaced.. it was funny. i miss sam too, dont worry ill send u your permit like today i guess. ill do it when im done with this here entry. so lee just told me he is moving to california in the fall... ill believe that when i see it. i think it would be good for him though, hes real sad here. he wouldnt be if he just talked to people and wasnt so down on himself. maybe the sunny weather in cali will cheer him up. my best wishes go to lee.
well im gunna go to the sunny beach now.
aka the tanning beds.
later kids
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i want a cigaretteMar. 19th, 2005
11:20 pm - karma police
whats up kids. today was a good day. colin and i went to the art museum cuz there was nothing else to do and i bought a ring for 99 cents. i loveee it. we kept getting into trouble for touching everything. then after that he took me home and we chilled here... and then i went to a cook out at my moms. i told him it probably wouldnt be a good idea if he came along.. i dont want to expose him too much to her u know sam?? so i told him id call him at 7 and i did and he wasnt home so i called again at 830 and he wasnt there so i was pissed and then his mom told me to call her cell phone and i did and he already went to this party without me.. i was pretty fucking mad. but its all good he came and got me and i went to this kids house and then i had him bring me home cuz it sucked. i guess hes going back .. i hope he has more fun than i did. i need to go get a cigarette
i saw my neice Mariah for the first time ever today, shes 4 months old. shes real cute but to be honest i dont think shes my brothers kid. she looks just like kims other daughter that isnt his.. shits fucked up. me and jesse talked though. we decided mom is our friend, shes fucked up and shes going to drink until the day she dies. neither of us like her but for some reason we both feel like we have to spend time with her. i think its fucked up that she lives at kims house with her kids because kim is fucked up and she wants to stay to take care of her kids.. well why is it that she couldnt stick around when jesse and i were kids??? we must not have been important enough. what a fucking bitch. i hate when she drinks. shes so embaressing..sam knows. shes so fuckin gay. i know shes going to die sometime in the near future though, so what am i supposed to do??its like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. fuck it.
i miss mass. everyone here sucks. the party tonight was so lame and everyone there was too. i hate bitches. all they do is bitch. i hate fuckin emily federovich and her stupid fucking friends. i hate everyone in my grade and everyone else. maybe that isnt a fair statement but its the truth. moving will be the greatest thing i ever did. good thing i know sam and i know theres more out there. if colin and i can stay together while we're apart that should prove our relationship. i dont know how long im gunna stay.. i guess we'll see how things go. i definitely have to go to college at some point though, probably in the spring. i miss ross. wheres that nigga been?? i havent talked to him in forever! well im out.. holla atcha girl .
peace
Mar. 18th, 2005
03:21 pm - im having beer burps
so im sorry about lastnight. im sure i called u several times and didnt let u sleep, but i guess that was just the Irish in me. lastnight started out shitty and then it progressively got better. you ever see people and your like... i know them from somewhere?? well i saw like ten of those people lastnight. it was weird.. especially cuz i was with cassy and bobby. i wrote cassy a huge letter about how much i hate everythign she does and how shes such a bad person with bobby and how bobby is a living sack of shit. she seemed to agree with me, so we're cool. school was horrible today... i was still shitfaced until like 10. whoever tells you a shower will sober u up is lying. i dropped my math class today. colin told me that if i dont get at least a C then hes going to break up with me... ohhh big threat. i know he wouldnt but i still dropped that shit cuz its gay(no offense ky). so now i only have 3 periods a day.. its great. i think im going to start taking correspondence gym too cuz i hate everyone in my gym class, most of them are crack heads. whatever. so tonight im supposed to go to this kid jabari(remember him??) party. i think colin and i are going to go ice skating before if hes feeling better...we're both kinda sick. we'll see what happens. ILL BE IN MASS A WEEK FROM NOW! hell yeah! i cant wait... its going to be great fun. ill almost be there as long as i was last week except i think one night less.. lets make it a good one. i miss sam and she always forgets to call me, its cool sam ill just forget to call you one night and see how u like it.
i cut my moms hair lastnight, bad idea. at least she thought it looked nice.. because i knew i fucked it up. her new boyfriend dean is pretty cool... he bought me beer and cigarettes for no reason lastnight, i think he just thinks that will get him into my moms pants.. but then again he wouldnt have to try that hard. im real tired and havent eaten yet today.. i think ill do that. the weather is glorious!!! have a good day niggaaaass
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drainedMar. 17th, 2005
12:05 am - i miss you soo
just want to say goodnight to you kids. i miss ross. sam especially. kyla and lori too. sam and i have a trick up our sleeve so im pretty excited about that. i dont have to work anymore next weekend sam, just thought i would let u know. im off to bed its getting late. peace
Mar. 14th, 2005
11:21 pm - when pizza's on a bagel u can eat pizza anytime!!
how bout im fucked. as much as i want to deny it, this relationship is going nowhere quick. i thoguht i believed him, but when he was telling me about his trip he kept leaving shit out.. so i was like you mean to tell me you were on a cruise for a week with your brother and didnt talk to one single girl?? "oh, well i guess there was this one girl, Kim. " alright thats cool... u guys chill a lot???
ill cut the shit... he kissed the bitch. cool. is there one decent guy on this earth?? honestly. what a fucking ass hole. i didnt get mad at him though, i just cried. i didnt tell him about me either, i guess thats my revenge. it wasnt revenge to do what i did with ross.. because i dont regret that at all... its just my revenge not to tell him i suppose. i dont care, fuck him. besides that.. we hung out today.. things were weird as i thought they would be. i kept thinking about ross. i dont knwo what im going to do.
baby is this love for real??
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hopefulMar. 13th, 2005
09:52 pm - i know the pieces fit cuz i watched them fall away
what up lovers. today started out real shitty.. got up late for work.. so i was tryin to get there on time and i got pulled over. so that leaves me with a $155 ticket and 4 points on my license. but the cop told me to appeal it if i wanted to and he would say i was only goin 35 instead of 45 and take 2 points off my license and lower my fine.. why didnt he just do that in the first place??? damn pigs anyway. so matts askin me to hang out this week... im gunna go with a no on that one, unless he wants to play drums then that would be cool. i need to get back into the swing of things with that... i cant play anymore cuz i never have the time. now my grandma is in the hospital though so i should be able to play at night for the next few days. maybe ill start a band.. that would be ILL huh??yeah u know it. sams online but shes got a messege up.. i know what shes doin! yeah dont think im stupid sam i know all about it. just be smart and dont fall into his pitty traps.. ross and kyla are nowhere to be found.. its sad. now that i dont have them to talk to im doing homework, its horrible. the thought of school tomorrow is dreadful. im not going. alright im going but i dont like it one bit. im going to see colin tomorrow. we'll see how that goes,, it will probably be weird at first, but i dont know. he said he didnt meet and girls on the trip.. i believe him, that sucks. why should he believe me when i tell him that i was good?? im so fucked up in the head..
its time for bed. GOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDNIGHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTT bitches.
coldMar. 12th, 2005
08:03 pm - i feel summer creepin in and im tired of this town again...
i just got home from mass, the drive wasnt bad at all except for running out of gas. i had a lot to think about this time around, my guilty conscience was screaming at me.. it was pretty rough. the drive was beautiful for the most part though. how bout everytime i would look back in my mirror i would see ross sittin there with his black hat on..it was crazy. i also thought about sam, and how much i wish i had a friend like her here. everyone here sucks, and i never came close to realizing it until i left. i made new friends and they might not be close but their a hell of a lot better than anyone here. monday is going to suck with school and all, i always look forward to seeing the same douche bags ive been surrounded with for years. at least ill see colin, some might say hes a douche bag too and thats fine, but i miss him. i bet we're gong to fight a lot, mainly because i just got home and i was with ross, i usually find myself picking fights with him just because im thinkin about someone else. i think this is the longest we havent talked. its like i forget what he looks like and i dont even really care that much either. i just feel bad u know?? oh well what can i do. im listening to an old band, the goo goo dolls... this song makes me want to cry.
----------------------------------------
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
----------------------------------------
i wont though.. ill save it for the after dawn. thank god katie didnt grace us with her presence lastnight...i may have had to throw some fists. in my original plan i had a lot more to say but i dont really care anymore. i need to go to sleep...goodnight.
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weird09:36 am - miss u already
last day in worcester...sad huh? i have to say that this week has been the best experience i've had in a while. everyday got better and i grew close to a lot of people that im gunna miss too much for my own good. ross, kyla, lori, eric and everyone else except for the people that took my money in poker.... you guys are ill.. i only wish that i could stay longer. oh sam... your okay too i guess. ill keep in touch.. and ill always be thinking about YOU. peace out worcester.
Feb. 7th, 2005
09:21 pm - blahabladahblahilovesamblahabl
so right now i feel realllllllll shitty. im such a bad person. I just read every single one of those fucking notes in colins room and they are all from the same chick.. this girl who wants to get in colins pants. its from like 9th grade and they are all like beggin him to go out with her and about how hes hurting her feelings because he likes me and not her and all this shit. i shouldnt have read them.. although i was expecting something completely different. they were interesting to say the least, and definitely what i was hoping for. although i still dont know who "jenny" is, her number was on one of the notes... im gunna call that bitch up!
hahahaaaaaaa
well now that im all happy.. im gunna do what i came to do.. my project!
guilty06:40 pm - life is more than who we are
am i bipolar?? wouldnt surprised considering my mood changes in the blink of an eye. in his eye to be specific. you know one moment he makes me soooo happy, and the next he just spits something out to upset me. he makes me change my attitude so fast and in one instant i feel like i want to just tell him get out of my life...thats something i could never do. i mean hes the nicest person in the world to me, hes just naive as to what he says most of the time. i know he doesnt try to hurt me, he just does. and when he says dumb shit, i get upset.. not mad. then he flips out cuz im mad but really im not, im just upset. and then that does make me mad cuz hes not considerate of how im upset. its just shitty. i dont know. hes either giving me a split personality or i was born with it.. not quite sure if i know the answer to that one. so yesterday i was at colins house,, he was in the shower and i went to get a piece of gum in his drawer when i saw a note. the note was folded like a 7th grader would ( square with slit going across ), so i was thinkin, oh he saved a note i gave to him thats so cute. i went to read what it said when i noticed the handwriting WASN'T MINE! so im like ohhh i see how it is.. it was from this chick meg that sucked his dick a while ago. what a slut. well i felt bad about reading his shit so i put it back and didnt say anythign to him cuz its from a long time ago. also because i found cut outs of me from the school newspaper from mad long ago when we werent together,, i thought that was pretty cute. but then again i found girls #'s... hmm okay im starting to get mad when i think about it. im going over to his house tonight to use his printer while hes at work.. maybe ill search a little deeper to see what else i can find. no, thats wrong. i would be so pissed if he did that to me. u knwo i will anyway though.
i was sad to read about how sad sam is. when shes sad i get sad. i dont like to see anyone unhappy.. especially her. shes the best. im gunna try and think of something to do or say to make her feel better, just hope i succeed. im out of here.. goodnight.
mischievousFeb. 4th, 2005
09:41 pm - i have a double jointed toe...i think
i dont know why i feel obligated to write on this thing. its been a bad day gone good. started out hating my mom, then we had a talk and it wasnt so bad after all. colin and ihung out the rest of the day..but i have to work at 7 in the morning and hes got to take his parents to the airport at 4.. so i have to go to bed early tonight. i love when they go on vacation... :)
i wish i had a blunt right now. i think im gunna search for some reefer.. im bound to find some in my room/. goodnight ross and sam.
bouncy09:48 am - i never thought i was hater
so its only 9:48 in the morning and im already in a shitty mood.. i can thank mom for that . i called her up this morning trying to be nice and told her i would take her to the bank.. and shes all like well i cant i hav to go to williamsport to cash it, and i was like im not going out to williamsport and shes like alright ill find someone else and hung up. so i called her back and i was like listen bitch, dont call me and ask me for all your little favors and then hang up on me when i cant do what u want. if u ever just wanna chill with me let me know but fuck your shit and fuck you.. then i felt kinda bad cuz i hung up on her. but not really. she called back a few minutes ago and said sorry and shit but i dont care, shes so fucked up. i love her but i hate her so much. either way im taking her to my bank so i can get it cashed for her.. yeah im pretty stupid. anyway the birds are chirping, must mean SPRING is on its way!!!
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pissed offFeb. 3rd, 2005
11:37 pm - this pain is an illusion
Today was just another day.. had a hard time waking up this morning cuz i was on the phone with this certain someone for a while lastnight.. i slept pretty good. Im glad to hear ross got his job back.. thats ill. im not thinkin about much lately.. im just letting things go so thats why i have shit to write about. my moms bein a real bitch though. shes staying at her friends house and called me today wanting me to take her to the bank.. i couldnt though cuz i had to work. so i called her after work and its like she doesnt want anything to do with me cuz i wasnt taking her to the fucking bank. whats up with that bitch?? fuck that, i dont have the time of day for these games.. shes made her mistakes and instead of being like a mother to me its like i have to take care of her ass. im slowly giving up on our relationship, it doesnt exist. one thing im definitely not goin to miss when im gone is her. actually i probably will.. theres no explanation as to why i love her so much.
i didnt go to rugby tonight, im a scummy bitch. iwas gunna go but then i realized that would require working out, something i havent done in a while. i suppose ill go next week, maybe.
today i realized that i think im def. in love with colin. yeah, i did something out of temptation but that kind of stuff happens. i wasnt thinking of him at all when i was doing it which was dumb but its like i wasnt doing it because i dont love him, just because i met a cool guy that i liked chillin with. things are gunna be hard but i think we can work through it as long as i keep my dick in my pants. HAA yeah but seriously, hes somehting in my life that i definitely dont want to mess things up with. thigns could change, but the way things are going now i think im smooth sailing for a while. well ive gotta bounce before i fall asleep.. sweetdreams.
thirstyFeb. 2nd, 2005
09:58 pm
Not much going on today.. im getting back into the old routine. my boss cut my hours yesterday so im getting pretty fed up with this shit.. i think i hear McDonalds calling my name, at least they pay 7.50...i think. Colin and I hung out today for the first time in a week... it was good i guess... all we ever do anymore is he comes over before work for an hour and we do our business and he leaves.. its getting pretty pathetic. neither of us want it to be this way its just how things are working out. Ever since he got a job hes working every day ...its bullshit. things should work out, we'll see how it goes here in the next few weeks otherwise im not seeing any point to this "relationship". In other news.. Matt has a girlfriend. Good for him, I'm actually glad. Ever since he's been over me its been easier to get over him. Too bad we dont chill anymore.. now i dont play drums. I played today...ross got me excited! If fucking matt didnt take my music sheets i would have some ill shit to play, but no.. i had to make shit up. i dont really have much to say... im gunna call sam in a bit. later kids
Feb. 1st, 2005
11:40 pm
today was a good day, mostly. i saw colin, i havent in a while. i walked down to his lunch and he was mackin two sluts... i just looked at him and walked away, he didnt see me. then his friend yelled for me so i came back in and nodded my head and walked back out and colin came after me and told me not to be mad and shit, i told him i wasnt so i tried to walk back to class but he kept pushing me against the wall so i would talk to him.. then i just pushed him out of the way and left. so then we fought about that shit... and then he was late calling me after work cuz he was taking some girl home.. and got mad at me because i was talking to sam and told him to call me later. wtf? anyway, then we had a long talk about stuff and about how im a bitch lately.. because i am, and then we talked about how things are going to be when we go our seperate ways and shit. we decided we're going to try our best to stay together, but then again thats 6 months from now.. anything could happen. theres so much going on that its hard to not be with him.. we're going to cancun in may and ocean shitty in june. i guess i just have to stop thinking so far ahead. but i know what im going to do, i just have to prepare myself i guess. maybe i just shouldnt think about it at all anymore, and go on as if nothing ever happened. but it did, thats whats so hard. my thumbs are bleeding, i dont know why. thats fucked up. well, im glad to see ross has been writing in his diary.. now i know whats up with him. hes my favorite. besides sam of course. it just seems like its taking too long, why cant it be spring break right now?? its like i cant take the anticipation.. i just want to get out. i even thought about getting my GED instead of graduating... thats just dumb. i hate my mom, i told sam why...shes just a cunt. i cant wait to get away from her too. well, this little niggas tired.. peace.
Jan. 30th, 2005
11:43 pm - I AINT NEVA HADDA NITTA NUDDA
YO. gettin pretty late, im tired as hell. well.. like i said, i had some realizations this weekend. for one, lee makes me mad. for two, hes in love with his car, and three.. i really miss sam. im pretty sure now about this moving shit, i mean its probably gunna be the hardest thing i ever did, leaving colin is gunna be sooo hard. but like ross and i were saying, if im in love then why dont i miss him when im with someone else. it doesnt make sense. thats something i realized, love doesnt make sense, it never does. because u can never just love somebody, somethings always contradicting it. thats my theory. mass is so different from here. i dont ahve to worryabout anything at all here, its great. and people are nice, they dont fuckin talk shit on the first person they see.. although they are all pretty bitches. i dont think i belong here, i dont know if i belong in mass.. but i dont think here is good for me anymore, i dont have any friends besides colin. hes the only person i chill with anymore, cassys changed a lot over this past year. when we met bobby at the beach shit went crazy, we dont even talk anymore. like yeah i have mad friends and shit that i chill with but no one i really like a lot.. ive found myself lots of times just going to sam because i know she will care about what i have to say.. no one else does. like i can pretty much tell colin anything and its cool.. just not about crazy shit. hes never smoked weed in his life, never smoked a cigarette either.. and hes so sheltered.. like when i think about it he doesnt know anything about me. he doesnt know about my mom, i couldnt tell him cuz it would like traumatize him or something. then i come to mass, and its like im the one whose being sheltered. i dont know. shits fucked up. im tired.
Jan. 29th, 2005
07:15 pm - sams hair is rainbow
so we are dying sams hair purple. it was supposed to be blue but we got the wrong color. i smoked a bowl a few hours ago and now im tired. i think im going to get a beer left over from lastnight. i think when i leave here im going to miss ross. ross makes me laugh, what an ill guy. i cant wait to get rid of lee. hes making me so mad because he wont tell me whats wrong? wtf am i supoosed to say to him when he wants to sleep in his car? i dunno, whatev. im saying i think a lot. alright. colin went on a college visit today to lock haven university, that town sucks. thats real gay if he goes there but then again if he isnt then i will probably move here anyways. i just cant wait to get around different people, im so used to teh same group of people. sams friends are fun to chill with i just wonder if they like me.tonight im going to drink up and have a good time, i wish lee would do the same. laterr
Jan. 28th, 2005
08:37 am - 1 hour!
so im pondering if i should just get off my tired ass and pack my shit (didnt do it lastnight :( or if i should lounge around for a bit more. i guess ill hop in the shower here soon, im not getting picked up for another hour. we pushed it back to 930 a little bit ago because we just both woke up. Im so excited i cant even tell you! we are going to have so much fun, im sort of dreading the car ride though, just because long silence is weird. hopefully we have lots of mary to smoke and keep us company. ill see u niggas soon. love, bee
Jan. 26th, 2005
09:48 pm - FUCKING RIGHT!!
YEY IM COMING TO MASSECHUSETS!! maybe ill bring anthony loreno so he can find a gay man and leave my boyfriend alone! anyway this is going to so ILL and GANGSTA and unsweet. i cant wait! just when i needed sammy the most.. my life is going to change, i can see it. i know that on my trip i will come to realizations, that will be nice. i cant wait to come back and have everythign sorted out, what im going to do with my life. i cant wait to see kyla, shes ill. we are going to have so much fun! yey sam i cant wait. okay im going to bed. goodnight love
04:43 pm - second thoughts
im having second thoughts. if i love colin so much, why do i miss matt? why do i get mad when colins around,i pick fights with him just because im thinking about matt and wishing that i was with him instead. i think about matt constantly, wishing things were back to the way they were when everything seemed right, even though it was wrong. why do i love colin so much? he makes me laugh and smile and hes very sexy in my eyes, but come on. love is something that no one can replace, when u love someone its like you couldnt see your life without them. and when i really think about it, i cant live my life without matt, i miss him all the time. im not one of those girls who could care less about someone elses feelings, i truly feel sorry for what i put him through. im afraid to tell him because i dont want to start this whole thing again and break someones heart, or get mine broken. i think to just make up my mind im going to move to massachusetts with sam. we are going to get jobs and save money for an apartment, and that way i can just forget about this shit. i just need to leave it all behind. not just my relationship, but my mom, my dad, my "friends"(that i dont have), the stupid fucking rain thats always pouring, and all these stupid fucking college students. my job too. at least in mass the minimum wage is like 2 dollars more, and i can be with sam. i miss her so much, its too bad i never realized how much i needed a friend like her all through middle school and her short time here in high school. now when im with her i feel like i have so much to tell her, that no one else would care about. but she does. sam is different. shes cool. she doesnt like rap, even though she talks gangsta. if i ever got bored i could pierce her nipple...and she doesnt judge me no matter what i do, i can ask her for advice for everything. she likes ducks though, what a dumb whore. HA! I think when i move to mass it will be good to see if matt and i are reunited and if we can build a relationship thats based on only him and i, without anyone else involved (colin). but i bet when it gets to that point i will miss colin and realize i love him and shit i dont know. whatever. i need a cigarette.
marijuana cigarette that is.
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